Boundaries
Okay, here we go. I need to vent and this is of course my favorite place to do a little venting. Let's discuss the word of the day kiddies - it's "Boundaries". Say it again "Boundaries".
That's right. Living with a new roommate is getting to be a sticky situation. The last roommate and I had a great relationship when it came to boundaries for the most part. Well, we had been through so much that there weren't tons of boundaries. He knew me better than I knew myself and that was cool. He could see right threw me. But, the good thing was that he loved having the office to himself. And I loved having the living room to myself. There were some nights when I would play poker online in the office with him and there were some nights that he would sit in the living room and watch T.V. with me, but whatever, we each had our own couches, there wasn't any weird touchy feely going on and it was completely comfortable situation.
So, moving on to the new roommate. He's driving me up the fucking wall. I don't like to be touched. I can't stand it. I really don't like when people invade my personal space. He doesn't get that. When I'm in the office playing on my computer, he stands behind me and shouts out "FOLD!!" or "GO ALL-IN" or "WHy didn't you call that?". Granted, he plays poker live quite often and he's a decent player and I"m sure that's a lot I could learn from him. But, I don't give a fuck. I want to play in the office by myself. I cannot stand when someone stands over my shoulder. And then, to make things worse, he takes it upon himself to rub my shoulders and touch my hair and whatever. They are little innocent things and I'm sure he doesn't think much of it. But, I can't fucking stand it. It literally makes my skin crawl.
My dad was worried when I moved in with this guy because he's like 57 years old or something, he's covered in tattoos, he's a recovering drug addict like me and the part that was worrisome is that he's practically letting me live here for free. He's only charging me $200 a month for EVERYTHING. That's utilities and everything included. It's really dirt cheap and I know that. So, does that mean I have to put up with this weird boundary stuff????? I don't think so. I'll move back home. I don't give a fuck.
Next, and this is a real doozy. I'm at the house yesterday and I decide to leave for a bit to meet a friend and roommate leaves to go play poker at Green Valley Ranch. So, I get this text from him and it says "On my way home - didn't want to surprise you". I'm thinking, um, why not? What do I care if you are on your way home earlier than expected? Then, I get a call from him. I don't answer, so it goes to voicemail and he says "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm on the way home, I didn't want to catch you doing anything you shouldn't be doing". WHAT THE FUCK?? Seriously? What is there that I might be doing that I shouldn't be doing????? I'm a grown adult. Anything I choose to do is MY CHOICE! Why is he so worried about what I'm doing anyway? So, I ignore the message. Next, he gets home and sees that I'm not there. So, he texts me and says "do me a favor, give me a heads up when you are on your way home". So, he's just weirding me out now. So, I write back and I say "why do you need a heads up when I'm coming home?" and he's like "because I'm going to be watching porn and playing with myself".
I swear to god. He actually wrote that to me. BOUNDARIES DUDE! Jesus! I don't want to fucking hear that shit. I really don't. I'm so very uncomfortable with this whole situation now.
Of course, I let him know when I was on my way home. I almost didn't come home. But, when I got there, we just went on like usual and pretended nothing happened.
So, then this morning I'm playing online and drinking a monster like I always do in the morning and he keeps coming in and bugging the shit out of me. He's asking me stupid fucking questions. He's giving me gay ass weather fucking reports for the week. Then, I'm reading blogs and leaving commetns and he's just standing behind me leaning on my chair, watching me leave comments. I turn around and gave him the weirdest, nastiest fucking look I could conjure at 9 in the morning and he goes "oh sorry" and leaves the room. Finally.
And, that's when I started typing this post.
As soon as I'm done, I'm leaving the house for the day, going to my parent's house to chill, and then my mom and I are going to pick out a new T.V. for me to put in my bedroom. The one I had was too big and it just wouldn't work. So, we are going to get me a nice flat screen or something and get that all settled in my room and then I'll have my own little inner sanctuary. I will be watching my own T.V. in my own room and shit, I might even try to figure out a way to put my computer in there so that I never have to leave or open the door. ha ha
Just kidding. I know that this needs to be resolved. I can't hide out in my room all the time.
I really do think that he is lonely and just wants a buddy. I'm assuming he think's I"m the type of buddy he just tell anything to. Like, in the past before I ever lived here he told me stories about getting prostitutes and whatever. He's never hit on me per say. I mean, he says I'm like his little sister and he's never made an actual move on me. Although, I think some would say that him constantly touching me and invading my space is a form of hitting on someone.
I may be naive, but I think he just wants a friend and doesn't understand boundaries. Or at least, I'm hoping that's what it is. Surely, he can't think he can treat me in an uncomfortable way just because of the cheap rent I am paying. Can he? I seriously don't know.
posted by CarmenSinCity at
Thursday, May 07, 2009
26 Comments:
Just something to think about here. The rent situation puts you in an uncomfortable situation and gives him power over you in a way. It really smells of Sugar Daddy to me though I know that's not what you intended. And the touching and stuff...yeah.
I don't know. I think I'd get out of there if I were you. AT the very least, have an escape valve handy. He might start expecting something for charging you so little. Sounds like he already does to be honest.
May 07, 2009
People think all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. You really have no idea until you ask him. So... ask him! It may feel uncomfortable to get it out, but think of all the stress you'll save yourself along the way.
May 07, 2009
You need to sit him down and establish boundaries. Tell him the sexual innuendo stuff and the touching just doesn't cut it. I would have a back up plan re moving out just in case he thought there was more to the live in relationship than you did. If he is a decent guy he will understand and if not get the heck out of there. Good luck!!!
May 07, 2009
Ok. Listen to me Carmen. I am a nerd and have only been laid by like three chicks and even I KNOW that this guys wants you. He does not want to be friends. He wants to do the vertical mambo with you.
There is a reason your rent is so low. His touches are NOT friend touches they are like pervy touches. Believe me I have touched plenty of hot women that way. It is my only sex. Be honest with yourself and face up to it. Fat boy is like married to you in his fugly fantasy world. He wants you. If you can live with that then stay and enjoy the cheap rent otherwise get out.
He will not come out and say he wants you because your too good for him but he will keep doing his creepy "If I act like she is kinda my girlfriend then maybe she will be thing". So now that you know the truth you can make an informed decision.
May 07, 2009
Carmen dear,
Listen...
What you have described it seems as if he is testing your boundries.
It also seems that he may expect something more than just being roommates. Now, this is all supposition based purely off of your post, but it doesn't seem normal.
Peaker makes a great point about the rent being some sort of power to be held over your head, but I would just come out an be straight.
If he isn't cool with your assertions, then you have to go away. If he is, which might possibly be the case, then good. Straightened out.
But if you do have that talk, and he still persists, you need to get the hell out of dodge.
The fact that he told you he was going to be watching porn and treating his body like a carnival is WAY over the line, even for friends who aren't even roommates.
That line right there is purely him testing to see if which way you respond.
I would be very firm with him about YOUR expectations. What are your boundries, and what is ok, and what is not.
You are a cool chic so nothing should be unreasonable. If he says it is, then scram.
It certainly is a tough spot, and I hope it works out for you.
May 07, 2009
Oh girly....you definitely need to have a conversation with this guy. He may not know what your boundaries are. I think if you tell him he'll respect them.
May 07, 2009
Move out!!! Please move out before something weird happens. My skin crawled just reading that. There is a reason why he is not charging rate for his place and I would not want you to be put in a bad situation. I dont like the sound of that guy at all!!!!!
May 07, 2009
I agree with peaker. Also, he seems like a perv..I'd be looking closely for a camera in the shower, if I were you! I'd rather live with my parents than that guy. :/
May 07, 2009
You've got some good advice in the comments here, Carmen. I agree with everyone, especially about the low rent. Sounds like he wants something in return. I'd make a move.
May 07, 2009
Carmen, after everything you've told me about this guy, plus the stuff you've written, I have to chime in.
Don't talk to the guy, he'll only tell you what he thinks you'll want to hear. Start looking for a new place. If he's only charging you $200 a month for rent, he's probably feeling like he's entitled to about $400 worth of ass. He's only gonna get worse.
May 07, 2009
Well, the situation seems creepy to me. But I never lived with a someone who was just a roommate. I lived with close friends, siblings and boyfriends.
Calling on my way home seems natural to me. The touching doesn't.
May 07, 2009
Carm,
The situation you have described gives me (and should give you) the creeps.
Your "roomie" is attempting to control your activities and behavior. GET OUT NOW!
My advice: Go to your folks house and send Mikey and the crew to get your stuff.
I have seen far too many intelligent and talented women victimized by "alpha" males who refuse to respect boundaries and fundamental human rights.
This person is not your friend. You can bet this guy would take advantage of you if you had a relapse like the one you suffered a few days ago.
Your safety and mental health are far more important than two hundred dollar rent.
May 07, 2009
I am jumping on the bandwagon - it isn't going to get any better and has potential to get a lot worse. Run Forest, run!
May 07, 2009
Creepy. Get him out.
May 08, 2009
I have to disagree. Have a talk with the guy and let him know what your boundaries are. Try to work the situation out. He probably is just a lonely older guy and doesn't know what you are and are not ok with. Let him know.
These other people are all reacting like scared rabbits - what are you a 12 year old girl? No, you sound like you are a full grown woman in complete control of yourself, what are you afraid of? Come on now, you can handle this.
Besides, on a final note, does a 56 year old penis even work? What is he going to do, slap you around with his wet noodle? I don't think you have that much to worry about.
May 08, 2009
i read your blog all the time, but don't comment often. it seems pretty obvious that something needs to be done, whether it is moving out or having a discussion. but if you do nothing , than you are just going to be stressed living in that situation; and as we all know , stress is not healthy! Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
May 08, 2009
I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal out of this ... OBVIOUSLY he wanted to know if Carmen was masturbating ... he wanted to bring the topic up, and when she didn't bite, he went with plan B.
He was just being polite.
(Plan C is to actually "get caught" masturbating ... you know, hoping she says, wow, hot stuff, need a hand?)
Are you telling me all of you DON'T masturbate in front of your 57-year-old roommates? Total squares!
OK, I jest, but with all that said, pokerpeaker is right, you need to start looking for alternatives. Because you're not in the strongest position, so a little prep work could keep you from ending up in a bind.
At the same time, he's probably harmless and clueless ... so a little, "look buddy, we need to talk" would probably put him in his place and have him making breakfast for you for a few days.
If that doesn't work, you can always go the other way with the boundaries thing and drop your next deuce on his bathroom floor.
May 08, 2009
Surprised to read that you started roomsharing with someone you didn't know. Looks like some boundarysetting is certainly required , rather sooner than later.
May 08, 2009
Have you ever discussed this with him? How is he supposed to know that these things bother you if you don't tell him? He might be a creep, but until you speak to him, he's just being friendly and maybe a bit needy. After you speak to him, if this shit keeps up, then you can move out. But at least be straight with the guy first.
May 08, 2009
Right now you should not be on the computer reading this -- you should be packing your stuff to move home. This very minute ..... don't worry about hurting his feelings, just go. If you feel like you need an excuse tell him your mom is in a body cast and you have to go home to take care of her. Talking to him won't do any good if he has the wrong idea because he sure won't cop to that. Cheap rent is not worth creeped out feelings, or worse.
May 08, 2009
P.S. -- Mike G how old are you? Obviously young enough to think only young guys have lots of sex. Not true at all. You better be praying your penis still works when you're 56. And also a 56 year old man can usually overpower a young woman so Carmen should take her creepy feelings about the guy very seriously.
May 08, 2009
Frankly, I didn't even read the entire blog post. I just skimmed it and my first question is "what did you think the deal on the ultra-low rent was going to involve?" Oh, you may not have known the details (thats what should have been made clear in advance and perhaps should be made clear now) but you knew something was up? You are his plaything emotionally... to what extent does he also expect you to be his plaything physically?
If you, as you say, "establish boundaries" will he respect them absolutely or whittle away at them until they no longer exist at all? What did you thnk the low rent was going to involve?
Its like the two sweet young things who accepted an invitation from an older man to go sailing with him. They expected to lie in sun with their tops off and drink Pina Coladas all day while some lonel old guy ogled them but they wound up in foul-weather gear sitting on the boom and actually sailing the boat! Lesson: ASK FIRST!
May 08, 2009
Carmen, this guy sounds like a total douche! You need to get out ASAP.
You mentioned this guy is like 57/recovering druggie/covered in tats right? You may want to bring Mikey over. Mikey is like 4 bills, bald and has a walmart trucker like look to him that can be pretty intimidating. Problem solved! Good luck, make sure you do whats right.
May 08, 2009
I am pretty much in agreement with your other comments. This guy is a creep. Since it is a sweet deal for you (but there is obviously, a big price to pay) ask for a sit down meeting to clear the air on what the boundries should be. You're right about personal space. Maybe he doesn't realize how impolite it is. And if that doesn't work or pisses him off, run, he's no friend.
May 08, 2009
***You better be praying your penis still works when you're 56.***
I'm praying mine still works at 46, LOL. (just sayin'!)
and while i'm at it, though i disagree with those saying "flee now, you are in danger!" ... it has occurred to me that this guy is probably sniffing your panties when you're gone.
May 10, 2009
I don't want to weird you out more than you probably already are, but it's pretty clear that this dude is hoping for a roommate with "benefits".
Not that I'm a creep like this dude seems to be, but as a guy, I can see that it's pretty obvious that that's his intentions.
He might not even be a creep, he may be just testing the waters at first. He may eventually get the hint back off after a while.
But still...
May 11, 2009
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