Just five more minutes...

A few days ago, I went into the college for my financial aid appointment. I forgot the tax returns from last year initially, but when I brought them in, there was a tiny problem. Well, actually, it's not so tiny. Apparently since I made the HUGE income of $20,000 in 2009 and most of it was unemployment money, I don't qualify for one of the federal pell grants that I was depending on. I mean, to be fair, these people ASSURED me that everyone qualifies for the money and that it's really just a matter of how much money they are going to give me. I did all of the paperwork, I was candid and open about my work history and my earnings and now all of a sudden things aren't looking so rosy. They gave me a new stack of paperwork to fill out and this is for actual loans and that means I need an actual co-signer. This is not cool, I'm not pleased and to be honest, I don't even know if I have a co-signer. I mean, my parents probably would, but the amount of debt is ridiculous and I just don't want anyone to be on the hook for that money. They are retired, the last thing they need is a freaking student loan hanging over their heads.

And then, not to be greedy, but the federal pell grants are FREE money that I wouldn't have to pay back. The loan money is way different and they accrue interest at a fairly high rate and now things aren't looking as perfect as they initially were.

I have a lot to think about and to add something else into the mix...

So far this year I haven't made any money and that's a good thing in the eyes of the school. If I can keep this steak going, I'll have no problem getting the grant for next year. Should I just hold off on the school thing for a few months so that I can save myself a butt load of money?? I dunno.

These and many other issues have been swirling around in my head. I'm still dealing with some MAJOR consequences from the past few months and that's weighing on me heavily. In addition, there's a health issue that has recently popped up and before I say anything more, I have to get checked out. It might be nothing and I hope it is, but it's not the kind of thing you just procrastinate on. In addition, I'm trying to get some health insurance through the state before I get a diagnosis that could be deemed "pre-existig condition". Those are two words I don't need to have slapped on mu file.

So, I'm not dealing with the stress very well and I'm not too proud to admit I sort of had a little breakdown the other day on my way into school and I couldn't get out of my car, I couldn't figure out where to go, who to call, what to do and I'm still lost.

I went to a friend's house and I haven't been home since.

Of course, home is supposed to be where the heart is, and it is, but my hearts just stress me out sometimes and I want to please them and make them proud of me and I constantly feel like I'm letting them down. And then of course, we have these constant struggles regarding my place in the house, my curfew, how often I should check in with them etc. Yes, I said "curfew" and I said "checking in with them".
I know that these aren't words you usually hear from a thirty something, but since I'm living in my parent's house, there are some rules. I don't mind the rules most of the time, but occasionally they stir up some conflict.

So, now, two full nights have gone by and I just haven't gone home. I guess I'm afraid to hear what my parents are going to say about my disappearing act. I'm not usually one to just disappear. Sure, they might not know where I am for a couple of hours here or there, but I always let them know if its going to be an overnight thing. Okay, in my defense though, this wasn't a planned event. I stopped by my friend's house mid breakdown and I haven't left since. I did send my mom a text to let her know that I'm alive, but now my phone is dead.

I'll just say it... It's nice to be around a good friend, kick back, laugh, and get my mind off things. No lectures, no looks of disapproval and no arguments, stress or drama. Pure Utopia. Of course all good things must come to an end and some decisions have to be made and I'll do that. And now, I'll have a clearer head hopefully and I'll be prepared to do the right thing even if I have to disappoint myself and hold off on school until it makes sense regarding the free money.

Wow, was that a long enough dissertation about how I've spent my last few hours?? I don't even know if it made sense. I definitely acknowledge the rambling, but if nothing else I feel like I got some stuff off my chest and now the sun is shining so I guess it's time to get out of bed. Oh well, maybe just five more minutes...snooze.