Monday, March 29, 2010


I've been so busy with "life" that I haven't had much time to blog lately. I was kicked off the bowling team a few months ago because I wasn't showing up on a regular basis and I was pretty inconsistent due to my using. But, since I've been clean, I've been filling in for people on the team - 3 weeks in a row I've bowled for other people and I just found out that I'm bowling again next week. How funnny! This works out better because I don't have to spend any money. I bowl for free and the person I am filling in for has to foot the bill. Nice!

I've applied for a few jobs lately, but it's time to kick it up a notch. I wish I was more excited about going back to work, but I'm not. I like sleeping in and then going to daytime meetings and having lunch with friends after the meetings. I've just never been a big fan of the whole 9 to 5 gig.

Has anyone been watching Dancing wiht the Stars this season?? I taped it last week and I plan on watching it tonight. I'm excited to see Shannon Doherty and Pam Anderson and Kate Gosselin. All these divas in one studio?! Should be a great season. I am even thinking about doing my DWTS updates again. They were fun!!

Heading to the bowling alley now!

Stay tuned...

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Hi guys,

Just checking in real quick to let you know I'm alive and well. I got pulled over yesterday and I thought for sure I was going to jail. But, the officer was super cool. He gave me a ticket for driving on a suspended license, but he didn't tow my car and he didn't take me to jail.

I got up first thing this morning and paid both of my outstanding tickets - $540 bucks! There goes my tax money, but at least I can drive without fear of being arrested. That's a good feeling!

Anyway, gotta run. Looking for a job today.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Back to School?

I didn't forget about the Insanity Tales. I've just been so busy these past couple of days. I swear - I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I actually had a job. I'd never have time to sleep.

My cousin Deb and my Aunt Marie were here visiting from Maryland and Pennsylvania for the week. They had a FAT ass suite at the Palazzo - it was gorgeous! I would definitely recommend the Palazzo to anyone looking for a nice room.

I took them to see the M Resort yesterday. I taught them how to play Cleopatra Keno of course! We saw City Center. We had a nice Mexican meal. Everyone had free margaritas except for me. It was a good time.

I was really sad to see them leave.

As always, I snapped a few photos...

Mom, Dad, Aunt Marie and Deb...

Have I mentioned how AWESOME the weather has been lately? We were walking through the community and giving them the full tour, gotta love Vegas in March, It's the best.

All of us in the clubhouse...

Me and Deb...

We are one month apart in age. Do we look the same age?

So, tomorrow I'm going to Anthem with my dad to do some outside yard work type stuff. It'll be nice outside, so that's a plus. I'm not a huge fan of like outdoor stuff, but, the stuff I'm doing is super simple and it's nice to be in the sun once in a while.

I started applying for jobs again so I'll keep you posted on that. I guess I should be really excited about gettting back to work, but I'm not. I've really enjoyed not working these past few months and I gotta be honest, I wish I didn't ever have to work. Does that make me super lazy or what? I dunno, but that's just where I'm at right now.

My Aunt and my cousin think I should go to dealer school so that I can possibly get a job in a casino dealing poker or blackjack. I absolutely LOVE the idea. I'm going to look into it.

So, here's a question for my awesome readers.

Has anyone gone to dealer school? What was it like? Was it worth the money and most importantly, do they help you get a dealing job when you graduate??

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I wish I had my camera today!! I used up all the juice over the weekend, so the camera battery had to charge. Anyway, I met up with my Aunt and my cousin, Deb at the Palazzo where they got a very VERY nice suite for the week. Good lord! It was a pretty amazing room and they got like 4 days comped. WOW! Can't beat that. The view was amazing and it was such a beautiful day too.

We went down to City Center finally! I finally went to City Center. Sheesh! It took me forever. Anyway, the place is pretty amazing as I expected. The machines however were NOT amazing. First off, they didn't have any Cleopatra Keno. Come on! Everyone has Cleo! They had the regular Cleopatra Slots, but no keno. The video keno they did have sucked ass. 25 cents was the cheapest you could play for and I couldn't hit shit.

I think my aunt and cousin did a lot better though.

Tomorrow I'm going to be daddy's little helper again. We are heading out to the amazingly beautiful place in Anthem to do some work. It's supposed to be beautiful out so I'm looking forward to it. Just what the doctor ordered. I wasn't feeling so hot over the weekend. I finally ran out of suboxen and so, I'm completely drug free now. On the one hand, it feels good cause it's an accomplishment. On the other hand, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the high. Cause I do. Oh well.

I'll dig up some Insanity Tales tomorrow. A super insane thing happened to me on Facebook. Remember the guy from Ohio that I used to live with very briefly?

Click Here to jog your memory.

Well, he friend requested me on facebook. Ugh! The horror! He also friend requested my best friend in the world from back in Maryland (James). I got this really funny message from James stating that Ryan was lucky he didnt go up to Ohio and like kill him or something. He was so indignant - "how dare that crazy loser friend request me?. As I was telling my dad about it, I realized that Ryan friend requested me too. WHATEVER! Does he have a death wish? Seriously! I did some searching online and found that apparently I'm not the only girl he was beating on a regular basis. He has at least one or two domestic violence cases pending in Ohio. Gotta love karma right?

I think this topic deserves a whole new post of it's own. But, for the record, I'd like to state (and I might be wrong), but i see some similarities in Ryan's habit of hitting girls and my habit of using.

It's like, I started off young, very slowly and worked my way up to being a full fledged addict. Even when I stopped using for 11 months, you would think that my tolerance would have gone down and maybe the progression of the disease would have been temporarily halted. But, that wasn't the case. My tolerance never went down at all, I picked up right where I left off, I could never get high enough and I had to keep using more and more. The disease had certainly progressed.

Well, Ryan hit me a handful of times - maybe 3 times from age 16 - 18. Each time he was SO VERY sorry, he cried, he was usually drunk and I thought he was pretty sincere. Well, ten years later, I'm thinking he grew out of his little anger thing, but I was OH SO VERY wrong. He was insane!

He went through my stuff everyday, he was verbally, phsyically and mentally abusive. He put his hands on me every single day for the month that I lived in Ohio. He was really scary. His disease progressed. I use the word "disease" for lack of a better term. I really don't know what to call it. I'm rambling.

Must get sleep...


Monday, March 15, 2010

Dopes on Slopes - Year 4 Recap

Another year of Dopes on Slopes has passed. Things were quite a bit different this year and of course I had a lot of fun, but I will admit there were some things that I didn't like.

For instance, in the past, we all stayed in these adorable wood cabins/condos. Each cabin had a loft with a queen sized bed, a fireplace in the living room, a bedroom that held 2 sets of bunk beds and a third bedroom with a queen sized bed. Additionally, there was a couch in the living room with a bed that folded out. So, technically, you could fit two couples, 4 single people and one or two people on the couch if necessary. We also had full use of the rec room which was where we held our meetings, ate dinner, played pool, foosball, played in the hot tubs and just chilled. It was a real intimate setting with couches and windows. You could look out at the beautiful snow during the meeting.

Unfortunately, the rec room had a padlock on it this year because of new management and even the owners of the condos aren't allowed to go in. They are in the midst of a big lawsuit, so we decided to stay at the Cedar Breaks Lodge instead.

As you can imagine, rooms were more expensive and we had to pay for the conference room to hold our meetings. We didn't get to keep the conference room to ourselves the whole weekend, they didn't have couches, instead they had tables and chairs. So, it made for a less intimate and more business like setting. I was bummed about that.

Another good thing about staying at the condos was that you didn't pick who was in your condo, it was kind of set up randomly, so it was a great way to meet new people and bond with someone you may not have talked to back in Vegas.

Of course, the upside to staying in a nice hotl is that we were in an actual hotel, so we didn't have to empty the trash on Sunday morning or strip the beds or bring our own sheets etc. We also had nice ass flat screen T.V.'s with cable, a maid that brought clean towels and I assume there was room service although I didn't partake.

Another thing that put a damper on the trip was the HUGE storm we got Saturday. It started snowing around the time I did my second run down the mountain (10:30 a.m.). My hands were going numb, I had to take a break and eat something at the cafe and the next thing I know, I can barely see the chair lift. We were in the midst of an all out whiteout! Crazy! We had to cancel the relay race, a bunch of the lifts were closed and eventually I had to call it a day and head for the hills. Thankfully, my buddy Jordan had a 4 wheel drive truck. So, he scooped me up and took me back to the rental place to turn in my skiis and poles. Otherwise, I would have had to take the shuttle and that would have taken ages.

So, I didn't get to ski as much as usual and that was disappointing because it's usually the highlight of the trip. On the other hand, I didn't get a black eye, I didn't draw any blood and I didn't get stuck at the top of a Black Diamond Slope. If you've been reading along, you'll remember that all of those things happened to me in the past three years. I also didn't win any awards for bigggest crash or "yardsale" in ski terms.

I also didn't charge the camera like a dumbass, so my pictures are limited this year. But, here's a few...

Me and Rachel...

Me and 2 really cool people I met (can't remember their names)...

Part of the Catchphrase Crew - I seriously had a blast playing with these guys...

Me and Jamie...

Beginning of Saturday before the storm...

Halfway through the Day Saturday (around the time we called it quits)...

Of course, I forgot to pack a swimsuit, so when everyone was soaking in the hot tub, I snuck upstairs and took a nice 2 and a half hour nap...

The Orange County Crew (and awesome guys that let me room with them)...

Seriously, this is just 2 hours after it started snowing and it continued snowing all through the night.

Brianhead is situated at 9,000 feet, so trying to get down the hill on Sunday was NOT happening unless you had chains on your tires. Luckily, my ride had chains and we were in the back of the caravan. There were about 10 of us that followed each other down the hill and being in the back was wonderful because they led the way and packed the snow down for us. Apparently, the Sheriff sits at the bottom and if you don't have 4 wheel drive or chains, you get a $1500 fine. Wow! So grateful I didn't take my car.

We had to stop at the bottom of the hill to take off our chains and we ran into the cutest damn dogs in Perowan (mormom country)...

I know I say this every year, but it's amazing how the elevation affects your body. I was out of breath just walking down the hall, I had a headache for a good portion of the time and I felt so out of shape. One of these years I'll get used to the high elevation.

In the mean time, it was 70 degrees and sunny today. A much needed change from the weekend. I'm happy to be home.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Made it home

I am exhausted! Utah was hit with a HUGE storm this weekend and we were right in the midst of it. I had a good time. I'm hitting the sack. More to come...


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Dopes on Slopes

I am thrilled to announce that for the fourth year in a row, I'm heading to Brianhead, Utah for our annual "Dopes on Slopes" ski trip. I'm psyched. It was obviously meant to be, because I didn't sign up ahead of time and the trip was totally full a few weeks ago. But, there was a last minute cancellation, I was able to buy a registration, I found someone that had room to spare in their hotel room, my friend Shelly had space in her SUV and everything just fell into place. Yay!!!!

So, to celebrate two weeks off drugs, I'm going skiing! Woo hoo! I really don't deserve to be going on a vacation for god's sakes. But, somehow I managed to pull it off and I'm extremely grateful and really excited.

Let me ask you guys a question...

Am I boring you with the Insanity tales? I'm just wondering if you guys like to read about the past year of my life, or if I should just skip it and try to find other stuff to blog about. Let me know. As always, I appreciate the feedback.


Happy Friday!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Insanity - Part Five

When we left off, I tried mixing heroin and meth and I loved the high. We'll get into that a little later in the story.

So, anyway, things kind of fell apart eventually at the Hard Rock. If you remember, they were very hard on us when it came to selling. They pushed pushed pushed us to sell a bunch of shit. They put up a chart every week showing who was at the top of the sales and who was at the bottom. They did a performance based schedule every week, so our sales determined if we had any shifts and if we had a decent section. It was a lot of pressure.

I was always in the top twenty out of like 150 servers, so I should have been making tons of money and had great shifts, but for whatever reason, I wasn't gettting many shifts and it wasn't just me - we were all pissed off. They hired way too many people and I've never ever worked in a place where the tips were SO shitty. I mean, I worked at the MGM, I dealt with foreigners and tourists before and I didn't really have any complaints. I usually got tipped 15 - 20 percent and that was all I was asking for. But, the clientele at the Hard Rock is ridiculous! They only tipped like 2 percent or 5 percent. We were lucky to get ten percent. It was total bullshit.

I've worked at tons of restaurants and I've always done well. I rarely ever got customer complaints and I've never been fired unless I started fucking up due to my drug use. So, I started off doing really well at the Hard Rock, but things went downhill. I was so stressed out about selling, that when I had customers that wanted to be cheap and split an appetizer for dinner, I got annoyed and it showed. So, my first customer complaint came from a woman that went totally over board. I guess I got an attitude with her, but she went up to my boss and was SCREAMING about how horrible I was and how I was so rude. Granted, I was rude, and I shouldn't have been. But, she was SO over the top about it, that I looked really bad and I got written up.

Only a few days later, someone went online and submitted a review about me and the restaurant. Their exact words were "the food was over priced and didn't taste good, we had to wait in line forever and Carmen wasn't that friendly". Normally, I might have gotten a slap on the wrist or something for this, because they didn't even say I was rude, they were more irritated about the food, but since it came only a week after I had the other complaint, it looked BAD! I got my second writeup. I knew I had to be on my best behavior after this because I was hanging by a string.

A few days later, they called me in early and fired me. No real reason, except for the two customer complaints. There was really no way I was going to bounce back from that, so I didn't fight it. I was somewhat relieved to be out of there anyway.

So, of course, my using went on - full force. Because now, I didn't even have to worry about going to work, so I was able to get high to my heart's content.

I started hanging out a little more with Boy Looking Meth Head and her girlfriend and then eventually those two broke up and just the two of us were hanging out more and more.

It was cool at first. I'd stay at the house where she was living whenever I wanted, but we never got any sleep because we'd be up all night partying. And, let me tell you about the house.

Apparently, the woman that used to live in this house, died in a crazy accident. I don't know all of the specifics, but she was hit by an ambulance. The fucked up part is that the ambulance ran a red light and the sick person being transported wasn't in a life threatening situation at all. He walked away from the accident just fine, but the woman that was hit, died. So, anyway, Boy Looking Meth Head is friends with the daughter of the Owner.

The woman who died, (let's call her "collector") was a hoarder. She had a five bedroom house and every single solitary room was full of stuff. Also, there was stuff piled up outside, and in the bathrooms and basically in every crevice of the house. There was some good stuff, some trash, some empty boxes, some stuff that had never been opened, - basically, a little bit of everything including dust and dirt and garbage and bugs (although I didn't realize there were bugs til later.) It was a tweeker's dream house. We all spent hours upon hours looking through the stuff that was left in the house.

We also spent lots of time cleaning stuff out because Collector's daughter hated being in the house. Now, just to be honest, I didn't do as much cleaning out as I did looking through stuff and taking stuff for myself. I'm being honest here and that's something I hate to admit. I took plenty of stuff that didn't belong to me and I'm feeling quite a bit of shame and remorse about it now. But, when I was high, I really didn't think twice. Believe me, I wasn't the only one, but that doesn't make it right.

There's another story I will get to later in regards to the theft at that house, but let me just say that it would be a real shame if I decided to blab all that I know about things that are missing. But, enough friendships are ruined and I'm not a vindictive bitch, so I think I'll let it play out on its own. Unless of course I change my mind. Ya never know.

So, the daugher of Collector and her boyfriend were initially living in the house. They moved here from Cali to take care of the house and everything that goes aling with a death. But, they didn't like staying at the house and It was sad for her to be there, I guess the memories were just too vivid. So, they let BLMH stay there for free as long as she took care of the 3 cats.

I can't blame them for not wanting to stay at the house, a lot of people seem to think the house is haunted and I understand why...

To be continued...

Sunday, March 07, 2010

2010 Academy Awards Red Carpet Review

This is my BEST and WORST of the Academy Awards - let me know if you agree or disagree! More Insanity to come.

Cameron Diaz...

She looks beautiful. I've always been a big fan of women wearing their hair down for these big events and Cameron has really pretty hair. Her dress reminds me of something a fairy princess would wear. I like it. If I had to make one change, it would be the color of the dress. I think with her blonde hair and her milky skin, the pale color of the dress washes her out a tad bit. But, other than that, she looks fabulous.

Charlize Theron...

I love this dress! She is one of my picks for Best Dressed. I think the color is great and I love the train. It's very Red Carpet Worthy!

Demi Moore...

Demi looks really nice, but she looks like one of the girls on Dancing with the Stars. Her dress reminds me of something you would wear to go salsa dancing, not to the Academy Awards. Also, the color of the dress matches the color of her skin. She would have looked awesome in a red or coral dress. But whatever. Sister is working it so thats all that matters.

Diane Kruger...

I am definitely not a fan of this dress. I applaud Diane for taking a risk, but I just don't think it really panned out. Maybe I'm just jealous that she gets to walk the red carpet with Joshua Jackson (Pacey). Yumm. I'm a big fan of his.

Elizabeth Banks...

I should probably know who Elizabeth Banks is, but I gotta be honest. I don't. Anyway, I love her dress. I think the color is stunning and I love the fitted top and the ruffly bottom. It's a hit with me.

Helen Mirren...

I gotta say. Helen Mirren is one classy lady and she ALWAYS looks fabulous. She picks age appropriate attire, but she never looks dowdy. She looks Awesome! I love this dress on her. The color is very flattering as well as the cut.

Jennifer Lopez...

Another one of my picks for Best Dressed - the always stunning JLO. I love her hair and her makeup and the dress is just beautiful. I saw her on the T.V. and this picture doesn't even do her justice. But, trust me, her dress is pretty amazing. I will say that the poof on the side might be a tad big. I like the poof, but it's just a little bigger than it needed to be. Either way though, it was classy and elegant and very Red Carpet Worthy.

Kate Winslet...

My mom and I disagreed a bit on this one. Kate looks nice, but the dress is just so plain to me. My mom says it's classy. I think it's a snoozer. Yawn. Her hair and makeup look nice though.

Miley Cyrus...

I'm not a big fan of Miley Cyrus and she gets on my ever last nerve. However, I think she looks pretty good in this picture. The more I look at the dress, the more I'm liking it on her. When I first saw it on T.V. I thought it was very unflattering, and then, she annoyed the hell out of me because she compared herself to Marilyn Monroe - yeah right. Keep dreaming Miley. But at any rate, I kind of like the fitted top and the princess type bottom. It's different and she took a risk and I always applaud that.

Penelope Cruz...

Penelope gets my third and possibly my favorite Best Dressed pick. I LOVE this color on her. It's pretty amazing. She looks like she belongs on the red carpet in this dress. It's absolutely stunning. Her hair and makeup are perfect too.

Queen Latifah...

I like the color. I don't like how wrinkled the dress looks. If I didn't know better, I would think she possibly grabbed this dress off the prom rack at Macy's.

Sara Jessica Parker...

As always, she hits it out of the ball park. Love her or hate her. You have to admit, Sara Jessica Parker knows how to dress, knows what looks good on her and NEVER looks like anyone else. I love the pale yellow color and the dress is just so different and elegant. I even like her hair too.

Vera Farmiga...

Oh good lord. I don't know who this chick is and I don't want to. She needs to fire her stylist. Everything from her makeup (did she go to clown school), to her hair (too severe) and that horrible fuschia colored dress is just WRONG! She's a big fat DON'T!

Zoe Saldana...

She's a pretty girl, but, she's another one that looks like she belongs on a dance floor instead of on the red carpet.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Insanity - Part Four

When we left off, I was working at the Hard Rock, living in Henderson with Creepy Old Roommie, going to see The Mexican everyday and that was pretty much it. One day I got a phone call from a girl (Boy Looking Meth Head) that I used to know from N.A. Meetings. We actually had the same clean date, January 1st at one point. She relapsed and had been living in a tent with her girlfriend at Lake Meade. To this day, I'm not exactly sure what prompted her to call me. Maybe she was just bored and she knew that I was still out there using because I hadn't been to a meeting in like 6 months.

So, she calls and we start talking and eventually we make plans to meet up. Her and her girlfriend chose to live in a tent because it was cheaper, she enjoyed the outdoors and best of all, they could get high, freely, without anyone breathing down their necks. The only bad thing was the whole shower situation. So, I was happy to let them come over and use mine. No big deal.

Once they came over and I met the girlfriend, we started talking about our drugs of choice. I was mainly doing heroin everyday with a sprinkling of cocaine here and there. They were doing only meth. I wanted to give this whole meth thing a shot and they were interested in trying heroin. So, we hooked each other up. They bought a very small amount from me and apparently they were sick as dogs. I didn't see it, but they passed out and then they woke up and were puking all day. Yuck! That never happened to me.

When it came to meth, I was not at all prepared. One hit kept me awake for 2 - 3 days and I'm not joking. Seriously - the shit was strong. I even tried using more heroin than usual to bring myself down but it was not happening. I couldn't sleep or eat on that stuff. and all I wanted to do was gamble. It's a strange thing. Any speed freak will know what I'm talking about. Some people take things apart, some people put things together, other people like to have sex, but I'm a gambler when it comes to tweeking. It was pretty intense. I can't say that I enjoyed the high, because it was a bit overwelming. From the minute I got high, I was trying to balance myself back out and come down...

That is - until I found the perfect mixture and then I fell in love all over again!

Friday, March 05, 2010

I deserve a treat

Wow - Have you guys tried Rush Poker on Full Tilt? I have to agree with Ex Boyfriend/Roomie! Rush Poker is the best thing to hit online poker like ever! No waiting. No watching the flop and kicking yourself because you folded a junk hand and you would have flopped a full house or whatever. No patience needed. I love it! I have no patience so this game works out for me.

The only bad thing I can think of is that if I'm folding all of my junk hands, then obviously everyone else is too. So, a few times, I kind of forgot about that and my mediocre hand didn't win the pot. Duh. It was my first time playing though and I won ten bucks. So, hopefully, I'll build up my account this way. I already have a nice size stack to play with, but more money is always a plus.

I showed mom and dad and they like it too. What's not to like?

Today I went shopping for myself for the first time in a long time. I was actually supposed to be buying ice cream with the money I had, but I decided thatI've been doing so well that I deserve a little treat - a clothing type of treat. One week clean = a cute ass shirt from Target and a new cheapy ring.

Wait til I get one year clean, I think I'll be buying myself gold or diamonds. hehe

Happy Friday. I just read an article in the paper that North Las Vegas Municipal Court is offering half off to anyone that has an outstanding ticket or warrant or whatever. I have an outstanding ticket that has worked itself into a warrant. It's not a North Las Vegas ticket though. It's a regular LV ticket. I'm going to cross my fingers and hopefully Las Vegas will do a half off thing sometime soon too.

Driving around with a warrant is like playing russian roulette or something. I know my luck is going to run out soon.

I found the cutest new phone that I HAVE To have at Metro PCS. I think I'll be buying it in the next day or two. Thanks to Uncle Sam I'm getting a good chunk of change back this year. Yay!

Holy crap - I just saw this picture and had to post it. I have never seen this person look so good. Do you know who it is????

It's Kate Gosselin. I never would have known it if I hadn't read it. Wow. She looks amazing! I guess she's doing Dancing with the Stars this year. Good for her! I bet John, the fame whore is so jealous!

More Insanity coming...

Thursday, March 04, 2010

A Break from the Insanity

Today I went to work with my dad. Yup, I was daddy's little helper. He's doing some freelance work in his spare time for friends that we used to know back in Maryland. They had a house built out in Arizona and while it was being built, they bought another house here in Las Vegas. They aren't living there anymore, and they aren't renting the place, so we went out there and did some gardening.

To be exact, my dad did some gardening and I followed behind with a trash bag and cleaned up the debris. It sounds like a piece of cake, but it was actually like "work". Seriously! I even broke a sweat in my beaded Bebe sweatsuit and padded bra. ha ah

Anyway, it was all good. The sun was shining, they live at the top of a hill, so the backyard overlooks the Las Vegas Vally and there is a great view of the strip. They have a beautiful pool, hot tub, grill, fireplace and palm trees galore - I'd give my left arm to live there and the place is just collecting dust.

So, I'll be back again this weekend to help dad again. It was good to get out of the house, off the couch and away from the casino for just a few hours.

I found more old school pictures online today in my mom's files, what a guilty pleasure! I created an old school file on facebook so that I can keep the good times vivid in my memory...

For example - Remember the guy on the right Lori????

More Insanity tomorrow...

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Insanity - Part Three

When we left off, I was getting up every morning and driving a few exits down the road to Johnny's house. I was no longer going to meetings, talking to friends, answering phone calls or making plans with anyone. My whole goal in life was to get enough heroin to last me through the day so that I could stay high 24/7. Somehow, and don't ask me how, I managed to get a job at the Hard Rock during this time. They don't drug test at the Hard Rock. It's against their corporate policy. They like people to be individuals or something like that so I guess they don't mind if you are getting high in your free time. I doubt that they want you doing it at work, but when did that ever stop me??

After a few months of ALWAYS going throug Johnny and not having my own dealer, I finally had a breakthrough. A friend of Johnny's came over to the house and as usual, we were waiting for the dealer to show up and he was taking forever. I was late getting there and Johnny had already scored his stuff earlier in the day, so he wasn't very worried about it. His friend had his own dealer and this guy not only sold heroin, but coke too. So, he said if I gave him a ride, we could go meet this new guy.

We met the guy, and of course he wouldn't introduce me to the guy, but I had a plan. Once he got high, he totally started nodding out and he was practically incoherent. I couldn't even wake him up long enough for him to tell me where to drop him off. So, I went through his phone and got the new dealer's number. I called him and talked to him. He said he was willing to sell to me, so now I finally had my own guy. The best thing was that he sold $10 and $20 balloons. No longer did I have to come up with $50 everyday AND he sold cocaine which was my first love.

I basically never talked to Johnny again. I think I had to call him once because my guy wasn't answering and I had to go through his guy, but that was it.

So, now, instead of getting up and hanging out at Johnny's all day, I would get up and call "The Mexican" every morning. He told me where to go and usually he was quite efficient. There were days that I sit in the Pep Boys parking lot for more than an hour, but hey, that's the price you pay when you are addicted to heroin and don't want to be sick.

On days that I worked at the hard rock in the morning, I either called him at 7 a.m. when he opened and he met me before work, or I hopefully saved enough from the day before so that I could work in the morning and then call him after work.

Working at night was better because I was able to sleep in a little bit and then call him and meet him before I had to be to work at 4 p.m.

And, heaven forbid he wasn't open one day or every once in a while one of his runners would get busted and then half of the Las Vegas/Henderson area was without dope for the day. It wasn't pretty.

Basically, I lived to use and used to live. My whole life was working to pay for my habit, finding the dope, getting the dope and using the dope. I had no friends this past year, I had no life and I really didn't care.

And then I got a phone call...

Got my Sponsor back!

So, yesterday I met Jennifer and Lisa over at the noon meeting. Lisa used to sponsor me and I'm happy to say she's sponsoring me again. I asked her yesterday and she said yes. So, that's cool.

We did the meeting for an hour and then four of us went over to my favorite Thai food restaurant for lunch. It was really fun. I was just pointing out that restaurant to Terribles Guy two weeks ago and telling him how awesome the place is. Little did I know I'd be eating there a mere week or two later with my girls.

Anyway, I have to go to the post office for my mom and I'll probably hit another meeting while I'm out. I'll give you some more adventures in insanity when I return...

Monday, March 01, 2010

Insanity - Part Two

Today I'm meeting up with my really good friend, Jennifer and we are going to a meeting together. We met a few years ago when she had just moved to Vegas. I was running the women's N.A. Meeting out in Summerlin and I was her first friend in Vegas. She was my first real friend out here too. She has like 2 years clean now and I'm happy to be back. So, there is a silver lining to this story...


To recap...

I overdosed a couple of times on a mixture of pain killers and muscle relaxers. My mom did what any loving parent would do. She called the doctor and had me cut off. On the street, 30 mg roxicodone costs $15.00 per pill. Heroin on the other hand is $10 for a balloon. Ten dollars will get someone REAL effed up. People who are new to the heroin scene will easily overdose on ten dollars worth of shyt. It was easier for me to obtain and it was cheaper. No brainer.

My friend Angie had no idea what she was doing when she introduced me to her friend Johnny. She thought maybe he could hook me up with some pills, but instead, he was only able to get heroin. He was like 20 years old. Pathetic. I found myself going over to his house every single day. The way it works out here and actually in a lot of places, is that the person with the connection always gets a cut. So, they don't want to give up their connection. I wanted Johnny to introduce me to the guy, but he said the guy wouldn't meet me. That's bullshit. But, whatever.

Johnny had a guy that only sold his stuff by the gram (supposedly). He charged $100 per gram. So, everyday I had to come up with fifty bucks and Johnny came up with 50 bucks and we went in halfsies. Little did I know that the guy was actually only charging $80 and Johnny was pocketing $20 everyday. Not to mention, I had to do all of the driving because he didn't have a car.

The guy we were buying it from was so slow. Sometimes we'd call him at like 10 a.m. and we'd still be waiting at 1 p.m. Kinda hard to make plans with anyone when you are sitting around all day waiting. This is when I really stopped going to meetings, stopped hanging out with people and basically fell off the face of the earth.

Little by little all of my stuff started disappearing. I got rid of my T.V. I sold most of my jewelry and that's when my computer went away too. It was the last thing I got rid of and it was the hardest.

My heart, my self esteem and my will to live kind of disappeared a little more with each item I pawned...